The Leisure Review: Row Z

Row Z edition 75; dateline 4 April 2013

Stadium sell-off sells out legacy
The final rusty nail in the rotted coffin of Olympic legacy has been the decision to give the Olympic stadium – the stadium that saw Mo Farrah transcend politics, geography and his own wife’s propensity for self-promotion to win two almost unsullied and heroic gold medals – over to West Ham United to play kickball in. Mayor of LaLa Land Boris Johnson was unrepentant and Seb Coe was notable by his absence when the deed was finally announced and while many words could be summoned from the deepest well of cynicism and bile we will leave it to our colleague J Ives Esq who, in another place, asked, “How did it happen that the public purse is giving hundreds of millions to porn peddlers to persuade them to bring millionaires to play football?”

Shoot the messenger, the horse he rode in on and the bastard’s PR company
Sidey is on record as finding most members of the PR tribe as loathsome as football agents, pornographers and Nick Clegg but, up to this point, has never spoken publicly on the subject of corporate hospitality providers. That is about to change. We have received in the office an invitation to buy hospitality packages headed – and we quote – “The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club” which goes on to talk in the kind of ill-punctuated and unctuous language that originally turned our leader against the bottle-tanned “former journalists” who swarm – and smarm – around any gullible executive with an inflated marketing budget and an ego to match. It seems you can purchase a “VIP package” for £475 plus VAT from “Josh or Lucia” which in addition to food, booze and some suntan oil will guarantee you a ticket on one of the tournament’s show courts. This unpalatable profiteering is made more egregious by the fact that the tent you will be sharing with dozens of other vacuous and moneyed strangers is “opposite the club’s main gate” or, in plainer parlance, outside.

Tips for tattle tales
As the readership of The Leisure Review grows the editor and his minions are being asked to sift through a burgeoning monthly post bag filled in equal parts with complaints and submissions for inclusion, often items that were or could be included in this very column. It seems the sport, leisure and culture industry is as capable of generating whistleblowers – or moaning minnies if you prefer – as any other sector. As a consequence the editor, and it’s still Jonathan Ives despite all the noises off, has asked Sideliner to let prospective contributors have a few pointers on producing Row Z-ready copy. Once we had persuaded Sidey to calm down and had dealt with the lairy graphic designer’s injuries, we managed to piece together these pieces of advice. Step the first: take four pints of Kelham Island Easy Rider on an empty stomach, and then another two. Step the second: add a curry, including starters for the table but no pudding. Last: leave 12 hours and then try to find anything laudable in any media release emanating from Sport England, Skills Active, the FIA, CLOA or CHIMPSPA (our “H”, our “P”). This should put you in a suitably dyspeptic frame of mind and allow the bile to flow. Although, as the great one remarked: “Won’t make it funny.”

We saw him first
Alerted to the latest American law firm-based drama by no less an authority then Rajesh Koothrapali (from The Big Bang Theory; do keep up), the bloke who mends the photocopier has used up almost two hours of his life “researching” the programme on our behalf. In return for a jammy dodger with his tea he has let us know that not only can you see in full emoting form the woman who used to play Cybill Shepherd’s drunken buddy in the eponymous (in this case it means ‘crap’ Cybill) and one of the nurses from ER but you also get occasional glimpses of the great Alan Cumming, whose seminal work in The High Life is so fondly remembered by all who work at Row Z Towers.

Feint. Praise for Taffy egg-chasers
Sideliner has wasted sufficient column inches over the years pointing out the flaws in Welsh rugby, the largest one being an entirely justifiable inferiority complex, and will comment only briefly on the 6 Nations finale. It will surprise regular readers but here it is. The chaps in red should be congratulated. Any county of England that can put together a side – some drawn from parts of the world with nary a coal mine nor a male voice choir it must be said but still – which can beat the rest of their country’s under-20 team, whether helped by the referee or not, should have their little heads patted. Well done. See you in 2015.

Roger Draper: an encomium
(after EJ Thribb)

So Farewell then, Roger Draper.
The dapper man’s dapper man.
Now formerly in charge at the LTA.
How did you last that long?

Sideliner