The Leisure Review: World of Leisure

Friday 1 May
Carol Ann Duffy is named as the first female poet laureate just 341 years after Charles II created the post. Almost half of BBC senior managers have agreed to move to Salford when five of the corporation’s departments head north from London in 2011. A ten-year-old girl is badly burned at an unmanned tanning studio. Ditchling Cricket Club from Sussex are soundly thrashed by the Afghan national side in Kabul but, as the first British team to play in Afghanistan, take it on the chin. Guus Hiddink tells Barcelona, who were less than happy about the physicality of their encounter with the King’s Road Strollers, that “it’s a man’s game”. Also sound advice for Michael Vaughan whose campaign to get back into the England cricket side is hampered when he strains the much-operated-on knee in a pre-match kick-about.

Saturday 2 May
Carrbridge in Scotland says the BBC’s erroneous weather forecasting is keeping tourists away; it’s very dry despite the reports to the contrary, they say. Proposals emerge to undertake a £1 billion refit of the Queen Mary, which was retired to California 42 years ago. A few hours drive away in Las Vegas Manny Pacquiao turns out the lights on Ricky Hatton in round two. Joey Barton makes his first appearance for Newcastle since January and gets to within ten minutes of the final whistle before being sent off for a reckless tackle. Setanta’s future as a sports broadcaster is thought to be in the balance as it attempts to renegotiate some of its contracts.

Sunday 3 May
Bob Dylan goes straight into the UK album charts at number one, some forty years after his last number one record. The UK’s first permanent centre for the carnival arts opens in Luton. The Islamic Solidarity Games are cancelled over arguments about what to call the Persian Gulf.

Monday 4 May
Richard Lewis, the new chair of Sport England, calls for more investment in learning-disabled sport, which he fears will miss out amid the 2012 furore. Max Mosley says that the terms of the FIA’s contract with Mr Bernie mean that he has to deliver a calendar with the ‘traditional grands prix’, which include the British grand prix.

Tuesday 5 May
Research from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation suggests that the gender gap on binge drinking is narrowing with some 15% of women now drinking more than twice the recommended daily intake at least once a week. On Broadway Lee Hall’s Billy Elliot is nominated for fifteen Tony awards. Four museums – the Wedgwood Museum, the Kelvingrove Art Gallery, the Orleans House Gallery and the Ruthin Craft Centre – are nominated for the £100,000 Art Fund prize. The London 2012 site is the target of a protest from construction industry workers, who claim that labour agreements are being breached. Garden centres are reporting booming business; sales of growbags are up 500%. A series of assaults and prison terms did nothing to disbar one Mr J Barton from employment by Newcastle United but it seems calling into question the managerial abilities of the wholly inexperienced Mr Shearer is a step too far; after his latest final ‘final chance’ Joey has been suspended, soon to be employed elsewhere, no doubt. The Tour of Britain announces an eight-day route and a list of top teams committed to the race. The Queen visits Kew Gardens to mark its 250th anniversary.

Wednesday 6 May
The CCPR marks the opening of its annual conference by claiming that some 6,000 sports clubs are in danger of closing down as a result of the recession. ITV announces that Melvyn Bragg is to step down as the channel’s controller of arts when the South Bank Show finishes next summer after thirty years of continuous broadcasts; it is not quite clear whether the show will finish because Bragg has decided to retire or whether Bragg has decided to retire because ITV decided to axe the show. David Cameron has his bike stolen again, this time from the railings outside his house in uber-trendy Notting Hill. Tate Britain decides it is time JMW Turner goes head to head with his contemporaries and announces a summer show of Turner’s response to many of the great artists of his time. The government announces that waiting staff’s tips will not be allowed to comprise part of the minimum wage from 1 October. Eighty-year-old Pierre Etaix, “the Gallic Buster Keaton”, says that he is near the end of a marathon legal battle over copyright that has prevented his films from being shown for decades. In New York a Picasso painting and Giacometti sculpture fail to reach their reserve price at auction. Rupert Murdoch, the citizenship-trading media magnate who is still banned from at least two British households on a point of principal (the editor’s and managing editor’s prize to readers who can guess which two houses they might be), says that the fixing of a malfunctioning business model will require the News Corporation’s newspaper websites to charge for access; a frightened world wonders how much they must pay to read the Times reworking of the Sun’s exclusives about Premier League footballers, starlets and old Etonian Tories. Having beaten one team they play at least twice a year for the right to play another they play just as often, Chelsea are outraged to be beaten in the Champions League by a team with the temerity to be based in a country other than England. Business as usual at the Oval as Mark Ramprakash knocks 126 not out for Surrey against Middlesex.

Thursday 7 May
Figures from the Department for Work and Pensions suggest that deprivation and inequality in the UK have risen for the third successive year. The National Audit Office’s figures show 136 cyclists killed in 2007, along with 646 pedestrians. It seems that the Old Vic and performance art company, Punchdrunk, have established an art installation under the streets of Waterloo without attracting much attention. The bust of Nefertiti, centrepiece of the Neues Museum in Germany could be one hundred years old, as opposed to the previously accepted 3,500 years old, according to a Swiss art historian. Ooh, Didier and his colleagues are sorry now after the referee receives the usual death threats from Chelsea fans. Manny Ramirez, an out fielder with the LA Dodgers, is suspended after failing a dope test. Alan Shearer wonders whether it’s so unreasonable to expect his highly paid footballers to get to work on time, particularly as they don’t clock on until 10am. David Mellor, renowned designer, manufacturer and retailer of cutlery, dies aged 78.

Friday 8 May
A women-only cab firm in Warrington has been prosecuted by the local council under the sex discrimination laws. Noted Iranian film director Abbas Kiarostami says he won’t be coming to direct Cosi fan Tutte for the English National Opera because the endless bureaucracy of getting a visa from the British embassy is too Kafka-esque to bear. Germany is set to introduce legislation banning paintballing and laser-shooting games after the recent school shooting in which fifteen people were killed.

Saturday 9 May
Ken Dodd’s annual Christmas show at the Nottingham Royal Concert Hall is in jeopardy after the venue refuses to accept the booking; it seems his esoteric approach to comedy left plenty cold last year. Major Phil Packer, who lost the use of his legs in combat, finishes the London marathon thirteen days after he started. Israel is using tourism to assert its control of East Jerusalem, according to a number of Israeli campaigning organisations. Meanwhile, back on the Wire, tennis player Richard Gasquet and cyclist Tom Boonen (again) are outed as having failed drugs tests; cocaine seems to have been the dust of choice for each.

Sunday 10 May
Academics in Rome and London have found that ballerinas are having to perform increasingly extreme moves in modern productions, risking additional injuries in pursuit of new concepts of perfection. After his team won the time trial yesterday Mark Cavendish becomes the first Briton to wear the leader’s maglia rosa in the Giro d’Italia with second place in the first stage proper; 21-year-old Brit Ben Swift comes in third. Guy Hands, head of the Terra Firma private equity group which owns EMI, Odeon cinemas and Phoenix Inns, is off to live in tax-free exile in Guernsey; the TUC’s Brendan Barber urges the government to call the bluff of those threatening to follow him. Arsenal’s women win their sixth league title in a row.

Monday 11 May
Electric Radio, the in-house station of Brixton nick, wins two Sony Radio Academy awards. Shambles, the museum of Victorian life in the Forest of Dean, is being put up for sale by its owners. Alistair Spalding, artistic director of Sadler’s Wells, says that there should be more female dance performances in his programme but that male directors and performers dominate at the top level. The first in a network of government-funded free music rehearsal spaces is opened in Liverpool. Hoteliers in Serfaus, a holiday resort in Austria, are vocal in their protests against a fellow hotelier who has made it clear that Jews are not welcome in her hotel. The Premier League unveils a new ‘fit and proper persons’ test along with plans for greater transparency in club ownership and finance. WADA warns FIFA that it cannot set its own drug-testing standards. Horse racing authorities launch new five-year plan to draw more interest in racing from the British public; starting the races without anyone knowing which horse is going to win has not been ruled out.

Tuesday 12 May
Liz Forgan, chair of the Arts Council, says that children should be thrown into the deep end of classical music while Tate Modern announces that its autumn show will be an exploration of modern art as a vehicle for celebrity. Camel Valley, the noted Cornish vineyard, wins a gold medal in the International Wine Challenge. President Obama hosts a poetry jam at the White House and the Commons business and enterprise select committee says that the Competition Commission should investigate the activities of the big pub groups that dominate the UK market. Windies captain, Chris Gayle, says that he wouldn’t be disappointed if Test cricket died out. Ferrari says that it is quite prepared to pull out of Formula One if proposed rule changes are implemented in coming seasons. Wasps end Ian McGeechan’s contract as the club’s director of rugby. The IOC visits Sochi, the host city of the 2014 winter Olympics, amid claims that the organisers have violated environmental agreements.

Wednesday 13 May
The city of Ghent in Belgium says it will be vegetarian every Thursday. The Commons culture committee urges a revision of the licensing laws that restrict live music performances in small venues. After an argument that has rumbled on for many years the site of a new visitor centre at Stonehenge is agreed; culture secretary Andy Burnham says the choice is “sustainable and affordable”. The government says that the Olympic village will have to be fully funded by the government, effectively nationalising the venue at a cost of £1.1 billion. The Rugby Football Union unveils its bid for the 2015 rugby world cup, including plans to use Premier League football grounds. A two-year-old boy is killed at a funfair in London after finding his way onto the tracks of a rollercoaster.

Thursday 14 May
Scarborough is presented with a European Enterprise award for the transformation of the resort over the past six years. Caledonian MacBrayne confirms that it will begin running Sunday ferries to the Isle of Lewis in the face of much protest from fiercely Calvinist locals. UK Sport says that six British athletes – none of whom has yet made the headlines for sporting reasons – have tested positive for drugs in the past three months; a further eight have missed tests. The Football Association awards central contracts worth £16,000 a year to seventeen of the England women’s squad.

Friday 15 May
Anna Friel is going to star in a revival of Breakfast at Tiffany’s at the Theatre Royal in London in September. Bournemouth Borough Council puts its new Boscombe beach huts up for sale at prices starting from £65,000 a go; the designer of the huts, Wayne Hemingway, has already bought his. Two members of staff at the Yellowstone national park in the USA are sacked after being filmed urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. Rafa Benitez points out that just because Manchester Utd have acquired more points than Liverpool doesn’t necessarily mean they are a better team. Usain Bolt shows a touching naivety and an ignorance of Premier League football mores when passing on some coaching tips to Cristiano Ronaldo aimed at helping the young Portuguese stay on his feet when running at high speed. David Collier, chief executive of the England and Wales Cricket Board, says that discussions are currently underway to bring Pakistan’s home Tests to county grounds in the UK. Meanwhile, in Stratford, the Little Baron says that events at London 2012 will be scheduled for the benefit of athletes rather than broadcasters.

Saturday 16 May
Home Office research scheduled for release later this summer apparently suggests that CCTV in public spaces does not have much of an impact on crime levels. Raised eyebrows all round as the British video game industry says it is asking the government for help to end the ‘digital brain drain’ that has seen top British games designers being lured overseas; surely the industry is well suited to coming up with a series of imaginative and treacherous obstacles in the way of people trying to make a journey from one place to another? Manchester Utd wins the Premier League again, a sure sign that the end of another interminable football season is only months away.

Sunday 17 May
A poll of the BBC audience by the BBC Trust suggests that its audience is fairly laid back on the subject of bad language on the airwaves. Police suspect that a Henry Moore bronze, worth some £3 million and weighing two tonnes when stolen from the Henry Moore Foundation in 2005, was melted down for the £1,500 scrap value. The British Racing Drivers’ Club is rumoured to be thinking of selling Silverstone. The Etape Caledonia bike ride is marred by unknown individuals spreading carpet tacks across the road, a sabotage technique last seen in the Beano circa 1974. Usain Bolt runs up Deansgate in Manchester quicker than anyone has ever run up Deansgate before. Wimbledon’s centre court hosts its first match under the new roof to find out how ‘Come on Tim!’ sounds with a bit of an echo. Amateur Shane Lowry wins the Irish Open golf tournament and Mark Cavendish wins a stage of the Giro d’Italia. Chester City FC announce voluntary administration “to safeguard the future of the club” and the World Tennis Association fines the organisers of the Dubai tennis championships $300,000 for UAE’s refusal of a visa to Israeli Shahar Peer.

Monday 18 May
England officially launches its bid to host the FIFA world cup at some indeterminate date in the future; Becks, the Broon and Wayne Rooney stride across the Wembley turf without falling over. The Environment Agency warns that climate change and pollution are threatening some of the most celebrated lakes in England. The chair of the Music Managers Forum, Brian Message, tells a music industry audience that the waning influence of record labels is creating new opportunities for new, web-savvy bands. China’s first theme park dedicated to sex is deemed to be an evil influence by authorities, who send in a demolition team before the attraction has opened. Excellent omens for the ECB’s policy of choosing Test venues on the basis of who is prepared to pay them the most money to host a match when Glamorgan are fined for a sub-standard pitch just 51 days before Sophia Gardens (some say the Swalec Stadium) welcomes the first match of the Ashes series. Meanwhile, in Durham England complete a 2-0 series win against the Windies.

Tuesday 19 May
The Tories say they will freeze the BBC’s finances were they to form the next government, while the chair of the BBC Trust, Sir Michael Lyons, says that licence payers would rather see their money go to the BBC than to their rival broadcasters. Knut, the Berlin-based polar bear that has already survived death threats, is now the subject of an adoption battle; two German zoos are in dispute over who owns Knut’s image rights. The Football Association shows that when it comes to taking aim at its own feet and pulling the trigger it has no peers; day two of its world cup campaign is dominated by an outcry over the invitation of a member of the British National Party to the launch and the intriguing whiteness, middle-classness and maleness of the FA’s top table.

Wednesday 20 May
Former England cricketer Chris Lewis is sentenced to thirteen years after being convicted of smuggling cocaine into Gatwick. Almost one quarter of adults are damaging their health by drinking too much, says the NHS Information Service. The first visitors are invited to climb into the crown of the Statue of Liberty since New York’s finest was closed to the public in the wake of 9/11.

Thursday 21 May
The FA announces plans to revolutionise the game of football in England with its new plans to overhaul the ‘blazerati’ that has dominated the game for centuries. Boris Johnson says he will stop the leader of the British National Party accepting an invitation to attend a garden party at Buckingham Palace. Manchester’s finest band (discuss), Elbow, win two Ivor Novello awards. Twelve months after work on London’s Olympic stadium began the Olympic Delivery Authority says that work is well on course to be completed on schedule. On his third attempt Ranulph Fiennes summits Everest at the age of 65. The belongings of Marcel Marceau are being put up for sale to settle his posthumous debts, a situation that many with an interest in French culture find unacceptable. The new boss of the JJB sports chain, David Jones, says that the future of the business lies in being a ‘proper’ sports shop. The England and Wales Cricket Board calls for legal measures against ticket touts to be extended beyond football matches and London 2012. Meanwhile, on Planet Incredible, FIFA vice-president Jack Warner, one of the shadiest operators in one the world's murkiest international sporting organisations, tells the FA to sort itself out with regard to its world cup bid. Shoaib Aktar’s career reaches what must surely be a new low when the Pakistan Cricket Board announces that Shoaib will not be playing in the Twenty 20 world cup as he is “suffering from genital viral warts”.

Friday 22 May
Bodyspacemotionthings, the Robert Morris installation that in 1971 caused outcry, excitement and physical injury in equal measure, opens at Tate Modern. Another day, another bullet for the FA; this time Lord Triesman’s comment that he was very close to sealing an agreement with the other home nation associations for an England team to represent Great Britain at London 2012 sends the Scottish FA into meltdown. In the aftermath of the Allen Stanford affair, the ECB congratulates itself for not accepting masses of cash from people who may or may not have been criminals keen to fund one-off matches. Mark Cavendish wins his third stage of the Giro d’Italia and quits the race to prepare for the Tour de France, which starts in six weeks or so.

Saturday 23 May
The BBC announces that it will be sending Simon Armitage to Afghanistan to follow in the tradition of British war poets. The Oxford Dictionary of National Biography is to include the famed horticulturalists and gardeners Peter Barr, Henry Eckford and Christopher Leyland in its next edition. The French sports newspaper, L’Equipe, notes Mark Cavendish’s retirement from the Giro d’Italia and presents him with a new nickname: “le Mozart du onze-dents”, which roughly translates at the twelve-tooth Mozart, in reference to the number of teeth on the rear sprocket of his bike rather than any slur on British dentistry.

Sunday 24 May
Authors, artists and playwrights add their names to the call for electoral reform. Ruth Padel is the centre of controversy amid claims that she lobbied against Derek Walcott in the race for the post of Oxford professor of poetry. To no one’s surprise Newcastle are relegated, while Jenson Button wins the Monaco grand prix.

Monday 25 May
The bank holiday tradition of ‘scouring’ the white horse of Oxfordshire’s eponymous hill is revived. It’s almost time for Glasto and this year’s line-up includes Bruce, Neil Young, Blur and – no giggling at the back – Status Quo. A member of the Queen’s Balmoral gamekeeping staff is to go on trial at Stonehaven sheriff court following charges of illegal trapping of wild animals. The French prison system is to go on the road with its own version of the Tour de France; 196 prisoners and 124 guards will be covering 2,300km in a bid to foster teamwork and rewarding effort. Burnley should have been careful with their wish list: they’ve been promoted to the Premier League. Eleanor Simmonds sets a new world record in the pool in the S6 100m freestyle on the final day of the BT Paralympic World Cup in Manchester. Ruth Padel stands down from her Oxford professorship.

Tuesday 26 May
Mayor Boris launches a campaign for summer cycling in London and, of course, it pours with rain. Robin Barr, one of only two people who hold the secret of the recipe of Irn-Bru, steps down as chairman of AG Barr, the company that makes Scotland’s national soft drink. Manchester museum announces its first resident hermit; Ansuman Biswas will spend forty days in the museum’s Gothic tower in contemplation or something similar. Canadian author Alice Munro wins the Man Booker international prize and the £60,000 that goes with it.

Wednesday 27 May
The Association of Medical Research Charities calls on the government to support charities suffering in the economic downturn. Tracey Emin opens a new exhibition at the White Cube gallery in Mayfair, London. Danny Boyle explains that moves were afoot to provide new homes in Mumbai for two of the young stars of Slumdog Millionaire. The Louvre is facing legal action regarding its policy of allowing free entry to young European residents; a French anti-racism group says that it could be discriminatory. Manchester Utd are beaten by Barcelona in the Champions League final. Jonny Wilkinson fetches up in France and says he feels like he did when he was a 20-year-old. “My knee is perfect,” he says, drawing gasps from those of a superstitious disposition.

Thursday 28 May
The Archbishop of Canterbury tells the Hay-on-Wye literary festival that one can find god in the work of Eliot, Austen, Byatt and even Pullman. Swine flu reaches Eton and the school is closed when one pupil is diagnosed. Beavers are reintroduced to British waters in the Sound of Jura, Argyll. South African actor Carolyn Forward leaves a production of The Pied Piper of Hamlyn in Cape Town, claiming that having repeatedly to kiss her colleague, Anathi Dyantyi, was “unhygenic”; only the fact that she is white and he is black makes the story anything other than a little bit of stage stupidity. The Premier League is to investigate plans by Sulaiman Al-Fahim to take over Portsmouth FC under the ‘fit and proper persons’ rule.

Friday 29 May
It seems that the home nation football associations have agreed to turn the proverbial blind eye to an English team representing Great Britain in the 2012 Olympic football competition. Illegal downloading is costing the British economy billions of pounds a year, says the Strategic Advisory Board for Intellectual Property. Joey Barton’s agent says that his charge is quite happy where he is and will be resisting Newcastle Utd’s efforts to shift him and his £64,000-a-week (sic) wage packet. Matt LeTissier is part of a consortium looking to rescue Southampton FC and Accrington Stanley has received a winding-up order from HM Revenue and Customs. Australian cricket captain, Ricky Ponting, has only just got off the plane but he is wasting no time in getting involved in a bit of sledging, the gist of which is: “You see that Freddie Flintoff? He’s rubbish, him.” Prodrive announces that it has entered next year’s Formula One competition, bringing yet another team to the leafy loveliness of Oxfordshire; the Banbury grand prix, anyone? The British Horseracing Authority refuses a licence to the Great Leighs course in Essex following continuing concerns over the course’s financial situation.

Saturday 30 May
Almost seventeen million people watch a variety show on the telly, even though it includes Piers Morgan. Cancer Research UK says that a hot summer will bring an increase in skin cancer unless the population covers up and takes melanoma seriously. The Gambling Commission says that some 80% of betting industry outlets accept bets from under-age punters.

Sunday 31 May
Ballet lessons for toddlers is the latest thing among parents but winning is the latest thing for rowing, with the GB team taking nine of the fourteen available golds at the world cup regatta in Banyoles, Spain. The Eden Project is putting in for planning permission for a geothermal power plant. Tate Britain opens a retrospective of the artist Richard Long, whose work uses stones, rocks and driftwood to create ephemeral works of art. Belgium opens museums to honour two of the nation’s favourite sons: Rene Magritte and Tintin. Bath RFC announces that three of its players have ‘resigned’ after failing to take drugs tests. Laura Robson, the 15-year-old great hope of British women’s tennis, wins her first-round match in the French Open but confirms that clay is not her favourite surface. “I don’t like what it does to my socks,” she says. Theatrical legend Danny La Rue dies at the age of 81, as does legendary racehorse trainer Vincent O’Brien, at the age of 92.