The Leisure Review: World of Leisure

Monday 1 April
With the full impact of the government’s cuts scheduled to kick off today, it’s eyes down for the ruination of a nation. Paulo DiCanio is obliged to deal with questions regarding his professed support for fascism, which he attempts to defuse – but only diffuses – by explaining that he’s not a politician.

Tuesday 2 April
Tony Hall starts work as director general of the BBC today and the Art Fund prize for museum of the year, worth £100,000 to the winner, announces its short list of ten. Ian Duncan Smith says suggestions that he live on £53 a week are merely a stunt; he had said that he could do so if he had to. Samoa Air is to charge passengers according to their weight, the first airline so to do, and in France the government explains that the 75% super-tax on salaries of more than €1 million will apply to footballers. The Irish RFU sack their coach, Declan Kidney and Manchester United say that actually they don’t want their pitch to be used in the 2015 Rugby World Cup after all. Artist Graham Ovenden is convicted of historic sex offences, some relating to incidents 40 years ago, against young girls.

Wednesday 3 April
The Royal Stones are to reprise their 1969 free Hyde Park concert this summer, apart from the ‘free’ bit, obviously. Online licensing revenues for music royalties in 2012 were bigger than those from radio plays for the first time. The Tate has removed works by Graham Ovenden from display. Paulo DiCanio says that actually he isn’t a fascist but then gets irritated by questions along the lines of: ‘Why then have you repeatedly said you are?’ Author Iain Banks announces that he has late-stage terminal cancer.

Thursday 4 April
Oh good: the Plastic Ono Band is on the programme for the Meltdown festival, curated this year by – you’ve guessed it – Yoko Ono; Siouxsie Sioux has also been persuaded out of retirement. The British Library is adding online material to its archives from now on [Better make World of Leisure a lot better then. Ed] Ukrainian ballet star Sergei Polunin has walked out of another ballet [See WoL passim], this time from a ballet version of Midnight Express. The sale of a Raphael drawing, Head of a Young Apostle, from the collection of the Duke of Devonshire has been put on hold by the arts minister (off you go…) to see whether the £30 million required to prevent it leaving the country can be found (it’s Ed Vaizey. Yes, we know!). A new television blockbuster based on the life of Leonardo DaVinci is to be filmed in South Wales. Boris Johnson, a pretend politician, is apparently going to play Pippa Middleton, a pretend royal, at ping-pong, which is a pretend game of tennis; we have no idea why. Still in Wales, the nation’s four rugby regions reckon that the national union wants to wipe them out. At Aintree a horse dies on the first day of the Grand National meeting.

Friday 5 April
It seems that HMV could be set for a reprieve after interest from Hilco, the lost-cause specialists. It seems that there is now a wild boar population numbering some 600 in the Forest of Dean, prompting suggestions of a cull from the Forestry Commission. In Amsterdam the Rijksmuseum reopens after a refurbishment that began in 2003 and was originally scheduled for completion in 2006. Another horse dies at Aintree.

Saturday/Sunday 6/7 April
Could the raising of the school leaving age lead to a drop in the number of teenage pregnancies? The Royal Economic Society thinks it could. Museum shops are apparently doing a roaring trade, which they need to in these cash-strapped times. There’s a new edition of Wisden out, while Jay-Z and Mrs Z – some say Beyonce – visit Cuba and thus create a storm. The first person to be appointed to the post of police commissioner for young people is forced to stand down in light of some puerile social network postings before she took the post. The Grand National is run with only two fallers; only 17 finished but most horses were pulled up rather than fell over. The GB men’s tennis team come back from two rubbers down to win their Davis Cup tie against Russians and Fabian Cancellara wins the Paris-Roubaix.

Monday 8 April
While the Cottesloe theatre is closed for refurbishment a temporary venue, called The Shed, has been erected on the South Bank. Margaret Thatcher dies aged 87.

Tuesday 9 April
The UK police state, which Margaret Thatcher did so much to instigate, goes into full security clampdown in preparation for her funeral; it is undoubtedly what she would have wanted. Unicef explain that the future of children in the UK under the coalition government is pretty bleak; which is also what Margaret Thatcher would have wanted. Rising university fees are apparently deterring working-class boys from applying to university but is having the reverse effect on working-class girls. The FA says that actually it won’t be advising clubs to have a minute’s silence for Baroness Thatcher.

Wednesday 10 April
Sir Nicholas Hytner says that he is will be standing down as artistic director of the National Theatre after a decade in which the National has been acclaimed as one of the driving forces of theatrical success, both in artistic and box office terms. A tiny manuscript of a poem by Charlotte Bronte has sold at auction for more than £90,000, while in New York the Metropolitan Museum of Art is the beneficiary of a gift of Leonard Lauder’s art collection, estimated to be worth about $1 billion. And in Paris staff at the Louvre protest against the growth of pickpockets in the museum by going on strike. On Planet Football Portsmouth FC are back in the hands of their supporters, UEFA are promising 10-match bans for players found guilty of racism and Wigan cannot sell all their tickets for the FA Cup semi-final.

Thursday 11 April
Concern regarding Baroness Thatcher’s funeral: some are worried that the military flim-flam has got out of hand, while others are worried that it is not taking place under the cover of darkness. Apparently the USA is back in love with British television programming thanks to, of all things, Downton Abbey, which means we should be able to shift a lot of old cack that we’ve had hanging around for ages. The Premier League are to use goalline technology over and above the employment of the white paint and a net that have served for the last century or so. Scarborough is hosting the conference of the Arts Party, which will debate the role of art and culture in British society. Stade Francais scrum-half Jerome Fillol is banned for 14 weeks after spitting at an opponent.

Friday 12 April
Ding Dong the Witch is Dead is mysteriously heading towards the top of what we still like to think of as ‘the hit parade’. On Broadway the RSC’s Matilda: the Musical opens to rave reviews, while a raft of theatrical luminaries have written to culture minister (go on…) to say that irreparable damage is being done to British theatre by the government’s cuts (Ed Vaizey! No, he is!). It seems that Premier League football teams, which routinely pay players, directors and chief executives millions of pounds a year, have wasted no time in exploiting the use of unpaid interns. Meanwhile, it seems that Manchester United may be declaring attendances that are much higher than the actual number of people in the stadium, according to Inspector Knacker. Concern in the world of skateboarding over the plans for a major refurbishment of the South Bank centre in London, the undercroft of which has been a focal point and home from home for skaters for decades, and Mike Hay is named Team GB’s chef de mission for the 2014 Winter Olympics.

Saturday/Sunday 13/14 April
David Blunkett says that the Labour party should not be indulging the “resentful and selfish public sector”, while the Pompeii and Herculaneum exhibition at the disgraceful British Museum is packing in the fee-paying public. With Baroness Thatcher not yet in her grave, there is one last hurrah for one of the defining images of her age: football violence makes a comeback in Newcastle after the Tyne-Wear derby and at Wembley during the FA Cup semi-final featuring Millwall; that Sunderland’s new manager is a fascist is not in any way relevant. Andrew Marr blames his stroke on high-intensity exercise and Justin Bieber stirs controversy by being a 19-year-old idiot, which, to be fair, is in line with his job description. Reptiles, insects and an otter are among the fatalities after a fire at the Five Sisters zoo in West Lothian.

Monday 15 April
At Anfield Liverpool fans and others mark the 24th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. Sports minister Hugh Robertson enters the spirit of the Thatcherite throw-back by saying that the authorities should “throw the book” at those involved in recent football violence. Two bombs are exploded at the finish line of the Boston marathon, killing three people and injuring many more.

Tuesday 16 April
The Onassis family have sold Skorpios, their private Greek island, for £100 million. The IMF says that the chancellor’s economic policies are on the wrong track, which is akin to Father Christmas telling the tooth fairy that her generosity is getting out of hand. The 2013 women’s prize for fiction is declared to have a “staggeringly strong” short list. London Welsh will leave the Premiership with debts of £4 million after their single-season experiment in the top division. On Planet Football fans are complaining about a late kick-off for the FA Cup final, which will mean that supporters may miss the last train home; the FA keep their fingers in their ears shouting “La la la” loudly.

Wednesday 17 April
Farewell then, Margaret Thatcher; we can only hope we shall not see your like again.

Thursday 18 April
Sir Chris Hoy announces his retirement from cycling. The Parliamentary public accounts committee warns that we are in danger of wasting the enthusiasm of the London 2012 volunteers. Marin Alsop will this year become the first woman to conduct the Last Night of the Proms. The Maze prison is to be reinvented as an international peace centre following the granting of planning permission for the development.

Friday 19 April
Tickets for the athletics meet scheduled for this summer in the Olympic stadium sell out in 75 minutes, while Tate Modern announces a Matisse season for next spring. A new phone app will allow the public to report racism in a football context, whether as players or supporters. Mike Denness, former England Test captain, dies aged 72; so too Storm Thorgerson, album cover designer, aged 69.

Saturday/Sunday 20/21 April
In Liverpool some determined people are trying to save the house in which Ringo Starr was born from demolition; the house in which Mr Starr currently lives is some 6,000 miles away from Liverpool and is, as far as we know, currently safe. Paula Radcliffe (lives in Monaco) advises Mo Farah (lives in Oregon) not to waste this apparent purple patch of fitness and form. More success for British gymnasts in the European championships, with Daniel Keating winning the pommel horse title and Max Whitlock winning on the floor. Margaret Hodge, chair of the parliamentary public accounts committee, says that short sessions in parliament make MPs look lazy to the rest of the country having to work its arse off in the face of a triple-dip recession, rising unemployment and the demonisation of anyone who is not a millionaire. The London marathon takes place with appropriate remembrance of the Boston bombing. Luis Suarez takes a bite out of an opponent during a match and laughs about it after the final whistle. Meanwhile, Roberto Mancini, still manager of Manchester City, applies the first rule of coaching stupidity by making it known that the failure to win the title is all the fault of his players and nothing to do with him.

Monday 22 April
Baroness Tanni Grey-Thompson, previously told that she was a shoo-in for the post of chair of Sport England by the minister for sport (it doesn’t matter), finds that she has been passed over in favour of Nick Bitel, chief executive of the London marathon. Lego, the Danish-born brick-builder, says that it is planning to open its first school, a fee-paying establishment in rural Jutland (insert your own joke about construction techniques here). The chairman of Google, which paid just £6 million in UK corporation tax last year, says there is nothing wrong with big companies paying low taxes. The BBC is to be investigated by Ofcom who seem to have been shocked when they discovered, via a live TV feed, that sports competitors in the heat of the biggest event of their lives occasionally lapse from the accepted norms of broadcasting language. Shakespeare’s Globe announces that it is to establish a youth company for 12- to 16-year-olds. The prime minister has a view on the Suarez biting incident and Manchester United win their 20th league title.

Tuesday 23 April
Shock in the world of horseracing as 11 horses in the yard run by trainer Mahmood al-Zarooni, which trains some 150 horses owned by Godolphin, are found to have been doing steroids. With no hint of irony, George W Bush opens a library, while the Royal and Ancient lives up to the latter half of its name when its chief executive says that there will be no pressure from golf’s governing body on men-only clubs to admit women; it is, after all, only the 21st century. Wimbledon raises its prize fund so that the winners of the singles titles will walk away with £1.6 million a piece. Luis Suarez says that a three-match ban would be plenty for his most recent misdemeanour. Musician Richie Havens dies at the age of 72.

Wed 24 April
The All-Party Parliamentary Cycling Group publishes its Get Britain Cycling report. The culture secretary (its Max’s daughter, Maria) says that the case for arts funding needs to be made primarily on economic grounds if it is to play well with her colleagues in government. There has been a big out-pouring of love for Iain Banks and in Oxford Somerville College has cancelled the party that was to feature a live shark. Disneyland Paris seem to have employed private investigators to spy on potential employees and Sheikh Mohammed is shocked – shocked! – to find that there is doping going on in his stables.

Thursday 25 April
It seems that Spare Rib, the long-defunct bastion of feminism, is set for a return if journalist and author Charlotte Raven can raise some funds. Shaun the Sheep is to star in his own feature film, according to Aardman Animations. Crime in England and Wales is now at its lowest level for more than 30 years, while a number of police involved in the Hillsborough disaster may refuse to testify at the forthcoming inquiry on the grounds that they might incriminate themselves. Danny Cipriani throws himself under a bus on a night out in Leeds and, to surprise of only one person, he ends up in hospital. The Little Baron says that he is going to take the British Olympic Association back to its “athlete-centric” fundamentals. Horse doper Mahmood al-Zarooni is banned from racing for eight years.

Friday 26 April
The Harry Potter attraction at the Warner Brothers studios in north London opens with a royal turn out to help it along. Winston Churchill is going to be on the five-pound notes and Nicolas Gomez, a Paraguayan carpenter, is making instruments out of recycled material to bring music to the slums of the city of Ascuncion. Now John Terry wants to play for England again, having said that he wouldn’t. Judy Murray outlines her proposals for British tennis; public facilities and local communities seem to be central to the plan.

Saturday/Sunday 27/28 April
Rapper and film-maker Plan B unveils his plans for a university of alternative learning. Tim Kerrison, a member of the British Cycling road team coaching squad, says that Wiggo and his colleagues have been able to benefit from a training and coaching knowledge gap created by the doping culture. Harry Redknapp says that money-related breaches in team spirit are to blame for QPR’s relegation; certainly nothing to do with him. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time dominates the Olivier theatre awards, taking seven awards on the night. Whitby welcomes a inundation of dark-dressed fun-avoiders for the Whitby Goth weekend. Akhmed Bilalov, fired as deputy head of the Russian Olympic Committee in February, reckons that he has been poisoned by Putin’s people. Qatar has sent a couple of nude statues back to Greece as they offend the Qatari principles of good taste. Two guests at an Essex hotel are found dead in the hotel’s swimming pool.

Monday 29 April
The Commons public accounts committee wonder how much HMRC should have received if just four of the negotiated corporate settlements brought in £4.5 billion. On Everest there is unprecedented violence at base camp as Sherpas take issue with a small number of Alpine-style climbers. Emeli Sandé’s album has broken a record held by The Beatles’ album Please Please Me for the length of time spent in the top ten of the album charts; 63 consecutive weeks now for Our Version of Events. Birmingham is getting ready to open its new library, a £188-million project thought to be the biggest public cultural project in the UK. The British Museum reckons that its new extension will open next March on time and on budget, having spent £135 million on the scheme. In the US basketball star Jason Collins announces that he is gay and becomes the first sports performer to come out while still playing. Rick Mather, the US-born architect famed for his museum work, dies aged 75.

Tuesday 30 April
Boots the Chemist agrees that it is time to remove the gender signs from its children’s toys. Is anyone surprised that the government’s ‘nudge unit’, also known as the behavioural insight team, is to be privatised? In New York the Royal Shakespeare Company’s Matilda: The Musical is nominated for 12 Tony awards. On Planet Football, the PFA now wants a refund from Reginald Hunter and Joao Havelange finally stands down as honorary president of FIFA after the weight of evidence of regarding corruption proves too much for even FIFA to ignore.