The Leisure Review: La Flamme Rouge

La Flamme Rouge edition 8; dateline 24 November 2014

Reports from a distant planet 1
With the Philae lander reaching Comet 67P and capturing the collective imagination in the process, we can at last relinquish our search for any signs of intelligent life on Planet Football but the last bleeps heard before the lights dimmed and the data flow ended revealed a couple of stories that we can cherish as memories typical of the once-beautiful game. In Wigan we learn that the town’s football club feels that allegations of racism, sexism and homophobia are no bar to a job as manager; and that the phrase “I respect her opinion” can be used of the local MP and followed closely by the phrase “She is not a Wigan lass so she doesn’t understand football” without any sense of disconnection or even irony on the part of the speaker, Wigan Athletic’s owner, Dave Whelan. However, this was the just an opener for a subsequent interview in which Mr Whelan offered a rebuttal of accusations of racism by repeating a series of phrases and concepts not heard in front of a microphone since they took Love Thy Neighbour off the air. That Malky Mackay, Wigan’s new manager and the instigator of this flow of wit and wisdom, went on to deny his own alleged racism by quoting Shylock in The Merchant of Venice was far too good not to have been scripted by the writers of The Thick of It.

Reports from a distant planet 2
In Geneva Fifa’s most recent efforts to defend and justify the corruption that both fuels and defines every aspect of its activities took an unexpected turn when Fifa itself called in the Swiss legal authorities to investigate allegations of wrongdoing in the selection of future World Cup venues. This seems to be at odds with the organisation’s usual dismissal of outside influence or enquiry until one realises that the report in question is now likely to be deemed sub judice by the Swiss courts and therefore kept confidential. While we have all had great sympathy with the Save Grassroots Football campaign, the only possible conclusion is that it is now time to retire from the fray with as much grace as we can muster and look forward to a day when football and all it entailed is just a distant memory of unspeakable times.

Monarchy in the UK: a punk revival
The unleashing of “well-placed sources” close to Prince Charles shows just how indelicate the wielding of power can be, no matter how expensive one’s education or how well cut one’s suitings. Although Her Majesty the Queen has long refused to relinquish her hold on steadfast good health, the man who would be king has noticed that she is getting a little bit older every day and that eventually his time must come. Thus his views on what a modern monarch’s job description should look like have been given a very public airing. His plans for “heartfelt interventions” should cheer republicans, who will be confident that a king banging on about neo-classical architecture and the health-giving powers of small bottles of water will significantly shorten the route to the fall of the British monarchy. Those involved in sport, leisure and culture will be looking forward to discussions of public access to the royal art collection and support for sport, at least those that involve shooting things or riding horses on other people’s lawns. At La Flamme Rouge we are hoping that the Queen has already laid plans to declare a republic at the end of her reign just to see the look on Charlie’s face when his “well-placed sources” quietly break the news.

Equity and heads in the sand
The case of Ghoncheh Ghavami, the Iranian woman sentenced to a year in prison for the crime of “propaganda against the regime” after she attempted to watch a volleyball match, raises so many issues that it is hard to know where to start, or indeed where it might end were anyone in politics or sport to show any sign of thinking it all through. At LFR, where our job is to be idiotic in the face of serious provocation, we choose first to note that the stadium in Tehran at which Ghavami was initially arrested is called Azadi, which means ‘freedom’ in Farsi, then to observe that she was trying to watch the national team, which clearly it is not if half the nation are not allowed to watch it. Others with a more sensible remit than ours might be considering what this might mean for any organisation that has statements of equity within its rules, codes of conduct or whatever method of governance it has chosen. How will the sport of volleyball choose to react to this incident? How will bodies like the International Olympic Committee see such clear contradictions of their rules? Perhaps more pointedly, how many committees will have to meet to come up with a way of ignoring the whole issue of equity and equality to make sure everything stays exactly the way it is?

Far from FA at the FA
Farewell then, Alex Horne, the soon-to-be-ex general secretary of the Football Association, who will stand down at the end of January. Horne is now looking for “a change of direction” after 11 years at the FA. During his tenure he has been financial director, managing director of Wembley Stadium and part of the panel that appointed the England manager. In common with almost everyone associated with the perpetually accident-prone FA, Horne’s tenure includes a mixture of goals for and against but it all added up to a salary package worth £528,000 a year. Nice work if you can get it.

Bye-bye Banksy
Vandalism, censorship or stupidity? Residents of Clacton-on-Sea are pondering this question after Tendring district council removed, or, for the more literal-minded, painted over, a Banksy mural following a complaint that the intricately coloured and pointedly nuanced graffito was “offensive and racist”. It was obviously too nuanced for the complainant as it is clearly a comment on the absurdity of racism and anti-immigration sentiments, so clear that some have suspected that, in an area where the next election will see Tories and Ukip trying to outdo each other in who can claim to be the most intolerant, it amounts to an act of political censorship.

KP: not needed in the library
We bow to no one in our indifference to the literary outpourings of sports people but, having recently found our carefully crafted Cockometer (a Peter Snow-style ‘swingometer’ with pictures of Kevin Pietersen and an arrow able to indicate either ‘showman’ or ‘cock’) behind a filing cabinet, it was all we could do not to shed a tear. However, given that it has been set to ‘cock’ for the last six years, it does seem time to retire it as well. KP also offers with particular clarity the reason we steer clear of sporting 'autobiographies'. It is always best to wait until long after the subject retires, preferably until they shuffle off, to get a decent perspective but KP adds undeniable weight to the argument. Consider the title of KP's latest tome: "KP: the Autobiography". This three-word title contains two words that are demonstrably not true (it's not his only autobiography, so it should be the indefinite article; and it's written by David Walsh, so we should drop the 'auto') which doesn't say much for the veracity of the content between the covers. We’re sure that Kevin will be missed but at least he's got a great big England tattoo on his arm that will remind him of the meaning of the word 'hubris' when he finds time to catch up on his retirement reading.

The chill winds of an Olympic winter
Were anybody involved with the IOC capable of any form of insight or reflection someone in Geneva would be wondering what could possibly have gone wrong with the Olympic dream. The story so far: Oslo has withdrawn its candidacy for the 2022 Winter Games after the Norwegian government voted against underwriting the bid, a decision that was reflective of polls that suggested more than half of Norwegians were against the Games coming to grace their homeland. The reaction from the IOC was, in light of what we know about how the IOC works, entirely predictable: they went apeshit, publicly criticising Norway for missing a great opportunity and basing their decision to drop out on lies and misinformation. The IOC continued in this vein, claiming that Norwegian officials had not turned up to meetings and anyway we can go to Beijing or Almaty (which is Kazakhstan), so there. But the penny should be beginning to teeter on the edge of the precipice at the IOC’s sumptuous Swiss headquarters. Oslo was the fourth city to pull out of the 2022 race, each well aware that Russia had felt obliged to spend $51 billion on the Sochi Games. Not even the IOC’s offer of a “contribution” of $880 million could sweeten the 2022 deal and now the only venues willing to swallow the bizarre and Byzantine demands of the IOC seem to be those where vast expenditure in the pursuit of vanity and oppression are par for the course. LFR’s money is going on Oman for 2026.

Taking the Mickey
Another bailout for EuroDisney, which has currently racked up €1.75 billion of debts trying to keep the mouse afloat this side of the Atlantic. Reminds us of scepticism at the launch that the weather patterns of Paris could compete with the blue skies of Florida and the joke that the French capital would be incapable of supplying enough people able to understand the concept of being polite to customers. Visitor numbers still running at 14 million a year suggest that this was a little wide of the mark but it is fair to say that Disneyland Paris has never quite managed to escape the shackles of debt. We’re reminded of the story – surely apocryphal – that a few years ago Disney employees in the US were instructed to end the widespread practice of referring to the Magic Kingdom in which they all toiled as Mouseschwitz. Compliance was achieved but in the time it took to wave a wand the epithet had been replaced with Duckau.

Catastrophe Actually
Richard Curtis, celebrated maker of British rom-coms and charitable billions, has admitted that his film Love Actually was “a catastrophe”. Pressure to edit the 12 concurrent stories into a film that could be released for an imminent Christmas deadline had meant the version that emerged was a bit of a stinker, something that became immediately obvious to anyone who actually watched it. Modern television technology means that viewers can now do their own on-the-go edit via their hard-drive recorders, producing a very watchable film that runs to about 12 minutes.

Some way to go for RWC 2015
Few who read the Leisure Review’s interview with Steve Grainger, the RFU’s director of rugby development, will have failed to be impressed with the attention to detail, the logical progression and the passion with which the custodians of the oval ball are pursuing a tangible legacy from the Rugby World Cup 2015. Few who have an affection for the game can fail to have rolled their eyes and muttered into their cornflakes when they read about the legacy of the London School of Economics’ men’s rugby club attempts to recruit members. So ill-judged was the club’s freshers’ week flyer that the LSE students’ union has disbanded the club for a year, citing homophobic, sexist language and Nazi-themed drinking games that had shamed the university. However, it seems that the most damning aspect of the affair was that no one in the club was prepared to accept responsibility for the document, bringing the ire of the students’ union down on the whole club. It also emerged that the London Business School also felt obliged to disband its rugby club for 12 months following complaints about sexist and racist behaviour. One could be forgiven that there may still be some way to go before the RFU’s core values – teamwork, respect, enjoyment, discipline and sportsmanship – can be taken as read.

Gluing, baking, conserving
Like the rest of the sofa-surfing nation, La Flamme Rouge spent the late summer glued to the Great British Bake Off, stuffing its face with ill-prepared snackery while watching the culinary travails of the flour-flinging favourites. While we all knew that ante-final favourite Richard Burr was a builder by trade (the pencil behind the ear was the tell), who knew that he had a first-class degree in biodiverity and conservation? Fellowship of the Chartered Institution of Water and Environmental Management cannot be far away.

Leaks in the oil field
Lego announced that it will not be renewing its deal with Shell following long-term campaigning from Greenpeace. Meanwhile Tate is in court trying to keep the details of its sponsorship arrangements with BP secret by contesting an instruction to come clean under freedom of information legislation. The late Mr Reeves would have been moved to light a small cigar to mark a tide that may just be turning.

Learning with Marcel and Nick
And speaking of Mr Reeves, still a much-missed friend of the Leisure Review, he would have been delighted by news that the Fine Art Society has opened a show at its New Bond Street gallery titled What Marcel Duchamp Taught Me. The exhibition features the work of 50 artists answering the question thus posed to mark the centenary of Duchamp’s first ‘readymade’ artwork. Reeves anticipated this question a couple of years ago for the Leisure Review and his own response is one of the most captivating and lucid articles TLR has every published. Read it again here.

Mrs Smith