The Leisure Review: Row Z

Row Z edition 79; dateline 6 September 2013

No noose would be better noose for NGBs
What can we read into the news that UK Sport are recruiting for a head of governance? Given that the advert says its purpose is to “review and issue grant funding agreements and related documentation, to sports governing bodies and partners”, it would seem relatively straightforward but then it also says there are six people already doing that before mentioning “compliance checks” and suggesting that “solutions to governance related issues” may have to be delivered. Noting the word “careful” in the descriptor, as in “UK Sport’s careful investment played a pivotal role in delivering the amazing success etc etc”, we are beginning to think that the noose is closing around our friends in governing body sport.

The definition of complacent privilege
You would expect a man who trades on being a former Labour MP to make it clear that he is actually both, which is to say he is no longer in parliament and no longer a socialist. Andy Reed, who now runs, among many other things, a thinktank on things sporting ,has clearly divested himself of the inconvenient requirement to appear left-leaning and is promoting, among many more things, the public school. These days these bastions of privilege prefer to be called independent schools but then we’d rather call them self-satisfied arses so let’s compromise. Public schools, it appears, feel they were hard done to when one of their own, David Cameron, claimed that “around a third of the athletes competing at the Olympics are thought to be privately educated”. Call Me Dave, it seems, was not just boasting; apparently his point was that too many state schools paid insufficient attention to sport and should jolly well pull their socks up. Now this may not seem like something to get in a tizzy about but Malcolm Tozer of Repton School – yep, its posh – has become very miffed indeed and spent many hours on the internet trying to get the bally facts straight. Malc has recalculated the representation and found that a mere 20% of Team GB were nobs and he then gets very put out when it transpires they won more than 20% of the medals, as if it was by their pluck alone that England – sorry Great Britain – was saved from humiliation at the hands of Johnny Foreigner. The reasons offered by the Malcster and quoted by Andy Reed’s tank are nothing to do with the iniquitous class system in this country, with state schools being kept underfunded and under fire while public schools can pretend to be charities as they coin their cash and keep their students supplied with more and better of everything from food to physics teachers, but instead are a charmed amalgam of the time allocated to physical education and sport in the curricular and extracurricular timetables of independent schools, the provision of sports centres and playing fields (although Malc does say these are “not lavish”), the parental demand that all pupils should be offered the chance to compete in school teams, the contribution of teachers and coaches and the expectation of high achievement.

Whistleblowers’ Corner – an occasional feature

When you run a nationally recognised – some say acclaimed [Name them. Ed] – diary column noted for its independence and iconoclasm it is surprising how many people send you snippets of news and then add the proviso, “You never got it from me” with some even adding the Jack Sparrowesque, “Savvy?” Sideliner has been sitting on a couple of such items due to a combination of forgetfulness and ennui but, with our sister journal reaching 65 and its progenitors considering retiring it gracefully from the battlefield, permission has been granted to dust off a couple of these nefariously acquired snippets to see who might salute them, or sue us before we shuffle off.

Left on a photocopier
Q: How many coaching system makers does it take to screw up coaching in the UK? A: We aren’t sure but we know they are going to cost the British tax payer a cool £5 million over the next two years if a grant application – which runs to all of four pages and which got left on a photocopier and so found its way to us – is signed off. How will this largesse be disbursed? In crude terms, £1.5 million will go to national governing body support (and these are governing bodies which will be getting massive Whole Sport Plan settlements themselves), there’s £1.2 million for work with impoverished county sports partnerships, £0.5 million will be allocated to coach education, including the provision of CPD workshops which are “accessed” – or if you prefer “paid for” – by 30,000 coaches, £1.4 million will fund “insight and innovation” to help NGBs and other partners who seemingly need lots of help and, our favourite, £392,335 will be used to “ensure adherence with governance requirements”. The denizens of Chelsea Close would do well to keep this settlement quiet when it is finally signed off – if indeed it hasn’t been waved through already – as certain members of the Mother of Parliaments have become more than a little interested in where all that money they give to Sport England is going.

Left high and dry
While we love the county of Nottinghamshire and all who work there, we can no longer sit on the story forwarded to us from an onlooker into what is being called the Reverse Robin Hood at the former national water sports centre. It seems that the decision to outsource the management of said “iconic” facility to a commercial operator (its Serco to save you Googling it) has had some unintended consequences beyond that of saving the county council a few quid. As part of what our correspondent calls “a revamp of the site into some sort of Centreparcs-type deal for watersports-based holidays” the new owners have “re-purposed” the centre’s neat little sports hall into offices. Community clubs, which have been using the facility for some years and built up a clientele, have been given notice to quit and been forced to find alternative accommodations. Options in the vicinity are limited and grassroots clubs are being forced away from their, er, grassroots and on to different nights to boot, causing havoc in family calendars and presaging plummeting numbers in the clubs affected. To remind you: (i) we are trying to conjure up some Olympic legacy here, people; and (ii) Nottinghamshire calls itself “the sporting county”. Finally, while we are collecting amusing ironies, and referring you back to the Lincoln green reference above, the office space that used to be a sports hall is to be occupied by national governing bodies of sport.

Left at the pass
Those among you of a culinary bent will have spotted that Michelin-starred chef Simon Rogan has recently seen his L’Enclune restaurant in distant Cumbria awarded the number one spot in the latest version of the Good Food Guide. Rogan has beaten Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck at Bray into second place with a menu that is “natural and fresh in the kitchen” rather than a series of deconstructions and reconstructions using techniques more often seen in science laboratories. Using his own farm’s produce, seasonal ingredients and even a bit of foraging, Rogan has kept his restaurant at the forefront of the organic and clean food resurgence. Curious to hear, then, that when staff in his kitchens (he has restaurants in Manchester as well, you know) find time in their 17-hour days to grab a bite themselves he often bangs on the kettle and makes them all a nice Pot Noodle.

Left wondering why
At Row Z we love a PR push and are really looking forward to the “Thanks Coach” campaign which, sources say, we can expect from Sportscoach UK any time soon. Not only will national governing bodies be encouraging their members to say “Thanks Coach” using glutinously, egregious tweets like “Could your club or organisation run without a coach? If not, why not say thank you! Include #thankscoach” or “Did you know the coaching workforce is mainly voluntary! Thank them for giving time to you. Include #thankscoach” but we can also look forward to an All Party Parliamentary Group on Coaching, which may or not be a “pointless talking shop”, as one MP recently called the APPG on Sport. Sidey was unsure how to react to the contents of the leaked memo which found its labyrinthine way to Row Z Towers (the man who mends the photocopier brought it) so enquired of a former colleague now mired in coaching politics, who said, “Thanks Coach is a very shallow PR initiative designed to mask scUK’s lack of strategic leadership across the sport coaching sector. A typical initiative designed to paper over the cracks and make out they are doing something worthwhile. Do not get me wrong, if scUK were leading a movement to transform coaching this would be a nice addition but essentially this is the icing without the cake.” We thought this was rather erudite, quite witty and just a little bit chilling.

Sideliner